one is not the loneliest number for those who are in Christ

Charlie has been addicted to Iceland for two weeks now. The whole country. He loves the music, the landscape, the culture, the whole package. He would fly us all there tomorrow if he could. Being the most rational, reasonable person I've ever met, he is confronted with many mental obstacles as he assesses the possibility. Not remembering this steady part of my husband, I have been determined to add my voice of reason to his. Total bummer for both of us.

What these conversations sparked in me was fear. Panic, almost. A desperation for him to be content in his unexciting job and predictable life. To stop dreaming and start trudging. The past two weeks, I have pulled out all the stops. Until today, when I finally stopped. I started crying when I thought about leaving, and I was amazed at what God showed me when I started praying about why.

Charlie and I have taken trips to Europe together before. And they have been a little bit terrible. Our reunion in France ended up in a devastating break-up. He drove off into the French countryside and I was literally left crying in the dust. Alone. In Spain we had some great times, but there was a shadow of fear following us the whole time. I self-protected, and in doing so I walled myself off from Charlie. Alone.

This morning I suddenly wondered: what if I chose my loneliness? That seemed like a very church-like thing to ask, but I decided to go with it. God immediately showed me it was true. I wanted to be alone, to be the martyr, to suffer. That's a familiar, albeit miserable, place for me. Alone and suffering.

What if I chose not to be alone? What would that have looked like? Again, the answer came quickly: To stay in relationship with Charlie instead of walling off in bitterness. To stay in relationship with Jesus instead of walling off in fear. What if I hadn't self-protected?

Then it hit me.

To feel alone is not the same as being alone.

My feeling of aloneness didn't change the fact that I was never alone. And I will never be alone. Jesus was the only person who was ever truly alone. Only he knows what that feels like. It must have been terrible for him. I feel really sorry that he had to go through that, being actually separated from God, not  just feeling like it. He suffered the most. And his pain wasn't just from a feeling.

And then the kicker: he experienced true aloneness so that I would never, ever truly be alone. That's the truth, the fact. It's a hard-won reality for me. Precious. A precious promise that he secured for me on the Cross. I will never be alone. I have never been alone. Even though I've felt alone, I wasn't. And that is precious. Because it also means I will never be alone. Not here, not in Iceland, not anywhere.

You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. 
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it. 
Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, 
even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me. 
If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light around me be night,"
the night is bright as day, for darkness is as light to you.

I had never realized that I had let my feeling of being alone become my ultimate reality. I have been calling God a liar, saying that I was alone, utterly alone, and that he wasn't with me. I feel so sorry for not having given weight to the great and precious promise, the costly assurance, that I have never been alone and forsaken, and never would be. I treated it like nothing.

It has been my fear of being alone and belief in the possibility of this that kept me miserable and running before, and now clinging to my safe life here and fearful of the future. It guided my thoughts and decisions. Now that I know 100% that it is not true, that I truly could go anywhere and Jesus could be just as close and present, I feel less bound and enslaved.

Within my fear paradigm there were only a few options for the path my future could take, and they all lay within about a five-mile radius. For the rest of my life. Which sounds a little boring, but safe. Now, since I know my my aloneness is not at stake, that no matter where we go or what we do, or what Charlie decides or does, I will never be alone, a lot more possibilities open up! I feel so much more free.

Charlie's dreams of traveling or moving had threatened to bring about the one thing I feared most in the world. The past two weeks I had been doing anything I could to stop him from wanting it, to squash his desire for adventure and convince him to be content. But he didn't stop, and I'm glad because otherwise I'd still be enslaved to a lie. I'd be believing the Devil. And bound to a life of boring predictability.

I feel more free now to follow Jesus wherever he leads us. Less scared of the word "adventure." Calm knowing I'm safe in him no matter where I go. Totally assured of his presence. There is no such thing as "alone" for those who are in Christ. It is imaginary; it does not exist. It is made up. I am almost laughing at myself imagining I was ever alone! Silly!

I can do anything! Go anywhere! Have adventures! Have fun!

Off to revel... :)

Tuesdays with Lacey

Charlie has started getting interested in photography again. I call this an answer to prayer. My husband is so creative, so talented, and so enthusiastic about the things his heart loves, and I am excited to see what comes of it.

A good date night tonight made me want to learn the art of Italian cooking, or French...the finer things in life. I have realized lately that somewhere along the way I decided that if something wasn't functional it was irrelevant to my life. Which meant everything pleasurable, fun, those gifts of God simply meant to be enjoyed, became either extinct in my life, or got categorized as chores.

This is, yes, as depressing as it sounds.

However, the repentance for this is just a barrel of monkeys! Seriously. What does repentance look like for making everything into a chore? Enjoying each task. Singing through it. Relaxing sometimes. Resting. Sipping a homemade pumpkin spice latte and spending time with Jesus. Um, awesome. What does repentance look like for ridding my life of the frivolous and only pursuing the "functional"? Doing things just for the (heaven) of it. Reading a book for its own sake, not as a means to an end. Researching not just the most efficient recipes, but the most decadent ones too. Savoring a piece of chocolate. Sitting. Just sitting.

God made things into gifts. I can bless my family by allowing joy a place in our home. So for date night I bought an expensive bottle of wine ($10 instead of our normal $3 or $4). I didn't force my husband to talk about serious things. I intentionally avoided the subjects of budgeting and scheduling which drive him crazy (in the bad way) on date night. We went to a movie. Didn't discuss anything deep the whole time. Normally I would see that as a waste of time. Tonight, it was fun. Enjoying it together was an end in itself.

Charlie says he thinks his style of photography has changed. I asked how. He said he would like to take pictures of normal scenes. Not close-ups of objects that are just meant to impress, or abstract lights and shapes. He pointed to our living room. Piano against the wall, booger sucker and toys on the ground, stools and chairs pulled away from the table. Lived in. Loved. Home. And I think both of us have changed in the same way these past few years. We are learning to appreciate the normal. We don't need to be thrilled or excited all the time. Sometimes it's nice. But not always. We don't have to go somewhere exotic or do crazy things to get the good photos, the best memories. Our cherished place is here.

I don't mean to sound like a Hallmark card, but I've realized recently that this is the stuff life is made of. I keep waiting for my chores to end so that I can relax and enjoy life, but I've been deceived - I've made everything into a chore, and so they will never be done. I need to enjoy the living room even in its comfy mess, I can appreciate the process of making a meal instead of rushing to be done so I can get to the dishes, and then the tidying, and then bed, and then...I can live right now. In this photo. In this memory. Because they're all I've got.

This post is starting to read like Tuesdays with Morrie. It's time for bed, which as I'm also realizing, is not an obstacle to my productivity but truly one of life's great pleasures.

growing soft in my old age

You know, Charlie and I both wanted a baby so bad. And simultaneously I dreaded Judah's arrival. I worried about how our marriage would change, how having a baby would interfere with my friendship and time with Charlie. So before Judah was even born I was strategizing about how to make his arrival as un-transformative as possible. How to get things back to normal quickly. How to have a baby while continuing to live as if we didn't.

Wait, what?

I know, it didn't really intellectually make sense to me either in those months leading up to his birth. Why would we want a baby if we weren't actually excited about the change? I don't know. But so many solemn, gloomy warnings that "things will never be the same again" made me determined to beat the odds. Yes, it was as confusing as it sounded.

So when the little guy was born I worked hard to keep him at arms' length and did all I could to prevent from squirming his way into our marriage. In my heart I wasn't warm and inviting, I was fearful. And anyone who's had a newborn knows how futile my attempts were. Judah's an intractable part of our family, and I'm growing more and more grateful for this.

And as the months have passed, I've really grown fond of the little guy. At the beginning I couldn't wait to transition him out of our bedroom. And now, while I will say it's really nice to be able to talk above a whisper while we're getting ready to sleep, I'm sitting here on the couch with our little man cradled in one arm, staring obsessively at his tiny features, touching his soft baby feet, and feeling really grateful to have an extra hour or two holding him tonight before he gets tucked away in his crib.

A few nights ago I asked Charlie, "Well, he's so far away when he sleeps, do you think maybe he should come sleep in here with us?" It's funny that I'm having soft feelings toward Judah now, five months in, that I thought I would have had within the first few hours of meeting him. But better late than never! You know, as my fear has decreased there has been more room in my heart for love to grow. Or maybe it's the other way around.

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear" (1 John 4:18).

happy birthday, beautiful.

It's Judah's five-month birthday today. Yay, little boy! 

Tonight Charlie and I created a well-devised bedtime plan. Diaper, pjs, sleep sack, check, check, check. If you keep the pacifier in, I'll change him, you zip the sac, keep the lights low, I'll sit in the chair, we can go straight into nursing...I pulled Judah out of the Moby and carefully laid him on the changing table. Our plan went off without a hitch. In fact, our stealthy, efficient movements in the dim light slowed as we realized our little boy was groggy, he wasn't about to lose it, his eyes sleepily stayed half-closed, his pacifier wasn't falling out. We stepped back for a moment and watched him fall asleep on the changing table, and we looked at each other in amazement. Maybe... I won't nurse him? Should we just... put him in his crib? The pacifier, for one of the first times in his life, stayed securely in his mouth as he sucked. Charlie lifted him carefully off the changing pad and set him in his crib. We tiptoed out of the room, and I wondered at what just happened. 

Tears started to well up once we got back to our bedroom. I asked Charlie if Judah still needed me. He said yes, he was probably dreaming about his mom as we spoke :) Not likely the case, but it made me feel better. 

Things have been hard with Judah. Objectively hard, subjectively really hard. He rarely falls asleep unless he's nursing or taking an ounce or two from a bottle, and during the daytime he's needed to be Moby-ed as well. Nighttime routines have lasted upwards of two hours, a seemingly endless cycle of nursing him, giving him a bottle, carefully laying him down, only to wait for his cry five or ten minutes later and returning to start the whole thing over again. I have never known such frustration and despair as I've experienced during these evenings. Jarica said it's sanctifying. I didn't see any progress in my heart so it seemed unlikely :) I know, I know...

At some point during one of these cycles I got so upset at Judah and asked Charlie why we ended up with a special needs kid. At that exact moment, as he once again began to encourage me, and gently but firmly remind that I was talking about our little boy, it became exceedingly clear to me that maybe it wasn't that we had a special needs son, it's that Charlie had a special needs wife. I told him this, and I think he agreed. 

But here we are, five long months since our little guy made his big debut. It's hard to believe this season is passing; I truly thought it never would. I am down from four Moby naps a day to maybe one or two. What?! The past couple days Judah has fallen asleep in his stroller, while normally he'll only sleep when he's wrapped up with me. They all said, "This too shall pass," and I said, "If it's not passed by tomorrow I'm done." But the tomorrows have come and gone, and they were right. 

I feel like one of Satan's biggest ploys in my life during this baby season has been to convince me that things will be like this forever. He has tried to steal joy from this season by replacing it with despair. I sit here in bed, with Judah contentedly asleep on his own in the next room, with no nursing or rocking from me, and am stunned to realize that everyone was right. My little boy is really becoming a little boy. And as all the hard things of this season slip away, they take some really sweet things with them. 

To be honest, it didn't often feel helpful in the moment to try to convince myself that someday I would look back on this time with fondness, but I am truly thankful for everyone who urged me to keep the shortness of this season in mind, and to savor every moment I could. The tears coming down my cheeks now, just a day or two into the next stage, are evidence that they were right all along. The strange thing about how God designed time is that no matter how slow it seems to creep, it only moves in one direction. 

I know there are good things ahead. I mean, I am trying to convince myself that there are good things ahead! The truth feels so hard to believe sometimes, especially in this area. Discontentment has always been one of my greatest spiritual struggles. Greed for what will be but isn't yet, or what was but is no more. 

So tonight feels bittersweet. I am deeply feeling the grief of something precious slipping away, sweet moments with Judah and a season of perseverance and struggle that's resulted in so much growth and dependence upon Jesus, alongside a sense of celebration. We've been through so much together already, and as I watch Judah turn this corner I feel so relieved, so hopeful, and already so nostalgic. My heart is full. 

Thank you to everyone who has walked with me through this season, even just for a moment of prayer or encouragement. I am so grateful to all of you and really believe you are God's grace to me, his love note in a season that has so often felt hopeless and lonely. I have never been alone. 

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. 

updates!

Now is the time to revisit some past posts and give you updates on how some of my projects turned out...

Homemade Bubble Bath: partial fail. The coconut oil feels great, the essential oils smell great, but WHERE ARE THE BUBBLES? Not a one could be found. So I am officially changing this project's name to "Homemade Bath."

Homemade Dishwashing Detergent: partial fail. Everything was going smoothly until I added the Lemi-Shine and my powdery concoction almost immediately solidified into a brick, kind of resembling a salt lick. My grandma lived out in the country and had one of those. Anyway, I am still using it and it seems to work well. It just sucks to chisel it out of the tupperware with a butter knife. I'll let you know if I come up with any solutions.

By the way, interesting that I regard these two projects as "partial fails" instead of "partial victories." I will instead go the way of Joel Osteen and call them "partial victories."

Snowflake Lane (date night): epic success. When we got to Bellevue and walked into the fray, I cried. I am pregnant, which may have contributed to my overwhelming flood of emotions. But I am telling you, people...it was magical. Snow falling, happy Christmas music playing, and everyone was so happy and excited! I imagine it will be a little bit like this in heaven. I never, ever thought I'd compare downtown Bellevue to anywhere but hell. But there it is!

That's all for now. The happiest of merry weekends to you all!

date nights on the cheap

Hi friends!

Well, it's Christmastime, which means that Jesus gets a birthday and all of us run out of money.

In light of this, I was inspired during a conversation with Kristen from my Community Group to give you all a few suggestions for date nights that could save you some money during this pinched season.

1) Red Hook Brewery in Woodinville. Okay, I hate beer. But my husband loves it. And the Red Hook beer tour is only $1. That means two dollars buys you an hour or so of date night fun, the equivalent of two pints of beer for your husband (if you give your beer to him), and two cute little Red Hook glasses that are good for milk-and-cookie dipping moments. Afterwards you can head down to their restaurant and grab an appetizer (or a full dinner, but that's not very low-budget :)

2) Third Place Books in Lake Forest Park. Let me just say that the hot chocolate at Honey Bear Bakery in Third Place Books is really delicious. And you can linger over it in a for-here cup, or get it to go and spend time browsing shelves of new and used books. Their gift store also has some pretty awesome stuff to browse through. If you make it in early enough, the library downstairs might be open, and libraries are always a good place to find random, free DVDs to check out, which would make your cheap date night complete.

3) Subway is having Customer Appreciation Month, which for you and me means $2 6-inch subs (if you get Meatball, Cold Cut, or Veggie). Two dollars! Subway's not the most romantic place to spend date night, but it's a good cheap place to get started!

4) The Crest Movie Theater in Shoreline. This could be a good finish to your Subway date night. The Crest plays older movies and tickets are only $3 each. It's really fun, and a good chance to catch a movie you missed while it was in theaters. Last week Charlie and I saw The Help. Really cool movie.

5) Snowflake Lane in Bellevue. Haven't been yet but hoping to make it this week. Apparently there's a big fiesta on the streets of Bellevue at 7 p.m. that involves fake snow, a drum line, and peppermint-flavored suckers. All for free! Does it get any better? If you feel extra inspired, make the short jaunt up to Kirkland and visit Urban Coffee Lounge. I heard it's the best coffee on the Eastside, they may make you a cute Christmasy drink, and they're open until 9 or 10 p.m. all week (double check their site for exact hours).

That's all I've got off the top of my head. Please feel free to post more ideas in the form of a comment. Merry Christmas-ing!

budgeting words from the not-so-wise

Let me just start off by saying that I have no authority whatsoever to be writing a post about how to save on groceries. I'm serious. I have blown our grocery budget every month since we got married except for maybe one or two. My kind husband insists it's because we didn't budget enough. And while I want to agree with this assessment, it has still always made me feel like a failure in this area.

Given my deep desire to not fail, I have sought out ways to save.

My most time-consuming effort has been couponing. Websites like Coupon Connections and Thrifty NorthWest Mom are good places to start if you're interested. Be warned - couponing is not for the faint of heart. But when I am intentional about not letting it stress me out, and making it work into our family's schedule instead of being ruled by it, I generally have really good results. And it's actually kind of fun sometimes.

I have also made spreadsheets. Many, many spreadsheets. I have tried to track the cheapest price for different items of food, what store to buy them at, how much each recipe will cost, etc. This, friends, is not my forte. I remember dragging myself through Fred Meyer one night, Charlie at my side with his calculator, estimating our final costs and determining if we should buy peanut butter this time or wait. This didn't turn out to be the way to go for our family. Maybe it is for yours. You gotta find what works.

Okay, so here are ten ways I have found to save money on groceries.

1. Sometimes I try to cook meals without meat because meat is the single most expensive item to buy, especially organic. I found a website that describes what complete proteins are: http://www.fitsugar.com/Whats-Complete-Protein-Inquiring-Vegetarians-Want-Know-165298. The main reason (besides taste) that meat is good is because of the protein in it, and so making a complete protein by combining foods (like rice and beans) works just the same. And I learned that you don't even have to have them in the same meal - for example, you could have rice for dinner one night and a bean burrito for lunch the next, and it still works! It's a little complicated so I'm still trying to work it into our system. But something like Cowboy Caviar is delicious and does make a complete protein (corn and beans) and is also a good filler for burritos.

2. When a recipe calls for meat, I usually cut the amount by 1/3-1/2. Like I will only put half the amount of chicken in Chicken Tortilla Soup, but since it's shredded it still goes a long way and there's some in every bite.

3. When I'm buying a really big chunk of meat like a pot roast I usually don't buy organic. We just can't afford it right now. I've come to terms with that. Maybe someday.

4. I have started checking couponing websites like couponconnections.com to just see what's on sale, and then I'll find a recipe based on that. Like last week I saw that eggplant was on sale, so I googled "eggplant recipe" and found Eggplant Parmigiana. To be honest, it wasn't very good, but it served its purpose as dinner for a night. Google also has a new feature...if you search for a specific ingredient, in the left side toolbar you can click "Recipe" and can check boxes to indicate what other ingredients you do or don't have, and it will automatically narrow your search results for you. Pretty cool. So I've been trying to buy stuff on sale or with coupons.

5. I limit what I buy organic to three top priorities: meat, dairy/eggs (excluding cheese - for some reason I don't care if my cheese is organic), and produce on the "dirty dozen list" - the top 12 foods with the most pesticides in them, and the top 15 "cleanest." I wrote them on an index card and keep it in my wallet so I can reference it at the store. The rest of my produce I've decided it's okay to buy non-organic. And sometimes it just makes sense - why buy an organic watermelon or orange when you're going to throw away the outside anyway?

5. Soups are really good ways to get lots of nutrition without spending a lot.

6. Look at your last grocery receipt and pick one thing you could have made instead of bought. Sometimes it's just not worth it, but other times it is if you have the time - homemade brownies, bbq sauce, mayonnaise, hummus, bread stuff, breakfast muffins, etc.

7. Snacks and lunch supplements made of fruits and veggies tend to be less expensive than store-bought, packaged stuff like chips or whatever. But it depends on what your family will tolerate :)

8. Generally I tend to split my shopping between Fred Meyer and Trader Joe's. TJ's produce has never really worked out for me, and Fred Meyer tends to have a good organic selection. Safeway, Albertsons, QFC and Top Foods seem to be more expensive and I try to avoid them unless I'm going in for sales, looking for managers' specials, or have coupons.

9. Buy from the bulk section. Fred Meyer, QFC, Central Market, and Whole Foods all have bulk sections. This is almost always cheaper than buying a package of something. I always try to buy things like spices, arborio rice, nuts, and specialty flour bulk. Saves a ton of money.

10. Buy dried beans and google how to soak and cook them. This is super cheap, but does take time and planning ahead.

Here's what I've learned: you have to find what works for you and for your family. There are a million ways to save money. Pick one and start there. Baby steps. Homemaking is a lifetime endeavor - you don't have to be saving in every possible way at once. I promise you will burn yourself out if you try.

Or maybe you don't want to work at saving on your grocery bill. There are a million ways to earn money to supplement your budget, even from home. This works too. Get creative.

But don't forget that the whole point is to be a blessing to your family. If a certain method or activity gets too stressful or time-consuming, it may not be worth continuing, even if it means spending more. Adding an extra stop at an out-of-the-way grocery store to save fifty cents on beans might not be the best way to love your family if everyone's already tired. Buy that item at the more expensive price and call it wisdom. I learned this principle from Charlie. I didn't believe him at first but now it's starting to sink in.

By the way, a great resource for more information and ideas is MoneySavingMom.com. I haven't explored it in depth yet but I'm excited to dive in.

Okay, that's all I've got. I'd love to hear other ideas about this - please leave a comment!