laundry, how you taunt me!

Laundry makes me insecure. I feel like a little defeated every time. And stains are the worst. The bully's knee in my face every time I watch grease or food soil our clothes - you win, laundry! You always do!

I make guesses and hope for the best. Coloreds in with whites this time! No one even knows what permanent press is! Throw that shirt in with the jeans! I make random and sometimes arbitrary rules based on tidbits I've received along the way: Bright colors get cold water. Whites get hot. Unless they should not shrink or are special in some way. Then they get warm, because it's halfway between hot and cold and sometimes compromise is the best solution.

It's a crapshoot, ladies! Which, by the way, I just discovered is a "risky or uncertain venture." Exactly. Will it bleed? Was that the best way? Do any of these rules actually matter? Hand-wash doesn't always mean hand-wash? But sometimes it does? Dangit.

Anyway, I just found a tool to help that helped me begin to overcome what is essentially my sheer lack of knowledge about these things. GoodHousekeeping's website has a tool called Stain Buster that successfully helped Charlie and I clean week-old spaghetti sauce spots out of his cream-colored dress shirt. It was magical! This particular spell required the alternating application of laundry detergent and white vinegar.

I know sometimes it's easiest just to google "remove dog vomit stain from denim vest" (that has never happened to me) but I thought this website was a nice central location to run to in times of stain-induced distressed.

And if anyone has a trusted Laundry 101 resource to share, please don't leave me in the dark!

who i am (not)

Tonight I met with God. I didn't want to. In fact, I even did the dishes and called my grandma (who for the first time in my life didn't answer) in order to avoid Him. But eventually I sat on my bed with my journal and started venting. There's no other way to get started sometimes except to word vomit for awhile.

I prayed God would help me be real, because the question we received to ponder at my Redemption Group training session today was this: "Where in your suffering has it been hard for the real you to meet the real Jesus?"

The pastor explained that God in the Bible is very honest about describing, graphically and specifically, our true struggles and pain and the situations causing us to suffer. If we aren't equally honest, we won't bring our real self to him. And if we bring a distorted, "I'm doing pretty good" version of ourselves to God, the version of "God" we meet with is likely to be distorted in our minds as well. The pastor called the real me to seek out the real God.

Which leads me back to my pow-wow on the bed. Here's the big question I was struggling with: is it okay to be me? I have been enslaved to comparing myself to other people, usually women, usually Christian wives, and I always, always, always fall short. There's about one day every two months where I feel like I have the energy to go 100% and I know in my heart there was no possible way I could have been more productive. On those days, my heart finishes at peace. The rest of the time, I just feel condemned for failing to measure up. My suffering has been exhaustion from carrying this heavy load.

And an hour ago, I was certain that God would agree with these accusations. I was sure they were all true, and that if I asked him what he thought about who I am, he would not only confirm my worst fear (that I was inadequate), he would add more shame to the pile. You can see why I wasn't racing to hang out with him.

But tonight, when the real me (God, I'm afraid you'll crush me with more condemnation. I don't even want to ask you to speak to me. I already know what you'll say.) sat with the real God, he first said, "I don't need you to impress me," and then, "I have missed you." I finally got the courage to ask him, "Did you make me the way I am?" he just answered, "Are you going to live as the person I made you to be?" I thought about it. And I lifted my chin and said no.

But I was smiling. He had won, I just didn't want to admit defeat right away. My heart felt peace.

Am I going to live as the person he made me to be? I feel compelled to share with you, the cyber universe, this person I have been trying so hard to avoid.

First and most importantly, I love my bed. I love being in it, it is my favorite place to spend time, I miss it when we are apart. I gave you the above photo as evidence of this fact. I most enjoy activities I can do from bed, like drinking wine (in the old days) and eating chocolate, and blogging, like I am doing right now. Reading and sleeping are also high up on the list. As far as the amount of tasks I can handle in any given week, my plate is small. Like, "I wish I could have dessert on this plate but it's too small" kind of small. I don't exercise and didn't have a ton of energy before I got pregnant, much less since. I can blame it on the baby, but let's be honest, I loved my bed before the baby and I will probably love it after. And the last three things I wish to confess are that I struggle deeply with contentment, I hate working, and I am not Debi Pearl. I'm sure there's more, but that's all that feels relevant tonight. Phew.

I am feeling okay with my little world now, praise God. I think this week I might give His challenge a shot.

sharing some bridal love

My friend Alicia's getting married! And I'm helping!

Well, in my small ways. Her bridal shower today went off without a hitch (haha) and I recorded a little bit of my games-and-activities craftiness for you. And here is the best part of it all: this time, for the first time, I had everything done, supplies bagged up, present wrapped and even the card written, and everything sitting by the door, the DAY BEFORE the shower.

Before.

Folks, this is new for me. And do you want to know the result? I spent all morning anticipating the event with joy and cheer instead of stress and dread, rushing and cursing, which until now had been my normal mode leading up to events like this. It was a totally new and wonderful experience and I would highly recommend it to everyone.


We played Bridal Shower Bingo while Alicia opened her gifts. Here's the key if you ever play this game: fill out your card with generic categories like "housewares" and "kitchen utensils." You're sure to snag the prize.






The prizes! Found at Cost Plus for $2.99 each. A little twine goes a long way in my gift-wrapping endeavors.





Charlie helped me find a cute recipe card template online. Printed, cut, and ready to go. Guests were asked to write their personal recipes for a successful marriage =)

Rachael does it again!

Don't be put off by this less than appealing photo. I made this meal tonight for Charlie and he went crazy for it. Literally crazy. I can take or leave Rachael Ray's on-screen personality but her recipes have proved to be - must I say it? - yumm-o. Here's a link to this recipe. Only for mushroom-lovers. This is a red wine, candles, date night kind of meal that only took about 25 minutes.

Chicken with Wild Mushrooms and Balsamic Cream Sauce

Sexy Sheets!

Hi ladies! We are back at it, and jumping right in with a suggestion about making home a little more lovely... and sexy?

I've been wanting to make a linen spray for awhile, inspired by this holy passage of Scripture, some bedroom wisdom from an adulteress:

"I have spread my couch with coverings, colored linens from Egyptian linen; I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon. Come, let us take our fill of love till morning; let us delight ourselves with love" (Proverbs 7:16-18).

Now, while I understand her ways are wily, I feel like there is something for wives to learn from her. And as I contemplated squirting aloe gel and cinnamon on our bed, I felt the result would look less like love and more like a child had gotten into forbidden cabinets. I tried to research what form of these things she was actually using, but to no avail. The myrrh, though... there's something I can work with.

Carla loaned me myrrh essential oil for secret pre-wedding rituals. I may use a bit of this, or some of the lavender oil I just bought, to make a linen/room spray and see if it doesn't start to spice up our lives a little bit. I saw spray bottles in the dollar section of Target, so that's the plan this week. Here's the recipe I'm using:

How to Make Your Own Linen Spray

Nick & Jordan are the only ones I know who have vodka lying around (to Charlie's dismay there's no hard liquor here at the moment ;) so I'll try it without and see what happens.

to the goodness of God

All praise to our Father, who forgives instantly and waits for us to accept love and move forward.

Sometimes I spend days wallowing, WALLOWING, after I've sinned. And I blame it on God, the big tyrant in the sky keeping me stuck, asking me to atone, withholding grace until I've fulfilled my quota for misery. And suddenly I discover that he's been waiting for me on the back porch, checking his watch and tapping his feet as he hears me inside moping and pouting about, waiting, WAITING, for me to finally come outside and play.

I could have been playing!

In marriage Charlie and I get to teach each other more about the loving heart of God. In moments when Charlie is truly repentant but won't move forward into joy I understand how God must feel when I do exactly the same thing..."It's okay, I promise! You are forgiven. Come back to me! I want to enjoy this beautiful fall afternoon and some (Bailey's) hot cocoa with you!"

I am grateful for each of these moments when I finally accept grace. After so much unnecessary struggle I am freed from myself, reminded that I don't have to atone, and shown that I'm fully clean.

I feel light-hearted as I meditate on this but am also struck by the serious responsibility we have to not nullify the value of Jesus' sacrifice for our sins by spending time trying to atone for them ourselves. What an incredible, joyful obligation we are under to accept God's love!

It's time to go outside :)

Sleep!

I have been reminded once again this week how important it is for me to get sleep - not only for my sanity but for Charlie's as well.

It started on Monday night when we decided to stay longer than normal at community group. I love those people and had some great conversations. But a few early mornings and mini-meltdowns later I am faced with the fact that I need to value sleep as an act of love for my family. I know there will always be extenuating circumstances, but as a general rule I need to rest!

I think this will help me be more consistent in my love for Charlie. This week I pushed myself so hard and began viewing every hour as potentially productive until I reached a point of burnout last night and was a crying, miserable mess in bed when he got home. Welcome home, honey! There's beer in the fridge...you will need it!

There is unexpected grace in this whole situation, however. Last night I had imagined today, my day off, as a day in which I would love nothing more than to pass time in a vegetative coma in front of our computer screen. However, the Holy Spirit is at work and though I did sleep in and have indeed spent most of the morning in bed, my mind and heart are refreshed. I drank some coffee and spent time with God, and read a Passionate Homemaking blog post and FlyLady emails that have inspired me to get out of bed with a smile on my face and finish up some chores around here not because I feel obligated as a wife and martyr but because I love my husband and want to bless him. I praise God for redeeming my burnout and having the final say in this difficult week :)