everybody loves a good martyr

How many times I have heard this from my husband...

"I would so much rather have you be happy when I come home than for the house to be clean, chores done, dinner on the table."

This is the man I married, these are his true sentiments, and it has taken me over a year to realize that he might actually mean them.

What I've learned over the past year is that the greatest gift I can give my husband is joy. He loves it when I'm happy, content with my lot, excited about him and our life together, joyful to see him when he walks in the door. And for some reason this can be the hardest gift for me to give.

I remember one defining day about a year ago, just a few months after we got married. I had worked early that morning and got off around noon, came home and GOT BUSY. I dragged my tired body all over the house, up and down the stairs to the laundromat, moving slower and slower and feeling more and more dejected (after all, what was I, a slave?!), but pressing on toward the goal. My goal, of course, was nothing less than perfection. I wanted everything to be done by the time he walked in, snack and slippers waiting by our grotesque orange armchair.

Well, he came home. And things were not done. No, when he walked in, unfolded laundry literally tumbled out of my hands as I stood in the middle of the living room, tears rolling down my miserable face. Welcome home, honey.

We laugh now. Not so funny then.

But things have started to change...slowly...since I started trying to take him at his word. I could immediately see the difference on his face as he came home to a disheveled house and a disheveled wife who had spent the afternoon reading nothing of importance at all and was perfectly relaxed. His countenance brightened and he was actually excited to spend the rest of the evening with this lovely person.

The past few days in particular have been the most relaxing I've experienced since we got married. When I'm tired and Charlie suggests I take a nap, I just do, instead of arguing that I haven't been awake long enough or done enough stuff to justify it. And I can tell you for sure that we are both better off for it. Then when I do tackle my reasonable list of chores (he helped me realize that I always attempt more than is humanly possible) I don't find them nearly as overwhelming.

And now that this is starting to make sense to me in the context of my marriage, I wonder about God. Could it be that he's not impressed with my attempts at perfection either? Would he rather have me just receive his gifts and love with gratitude instead of killing myself trying to pretend I'm earning them?

Oh, but I just love thinking I deserve all the good things in my life! The battle wages on.

(photo source here)