onions

Tonight I ran into our bedroom crying to Charlie. I couldn't take it! Not for one more second!

I started chopping this onion and tears began streaming down my face. Some onions are okay, but this one sent me over the edge. And you know what I think is really ironic about onions? The more I cry, the less I can see - I'm talking one squinted eye at a time - and so the faster I chop and the further away from the cutting board I get. Do you see the inherent danger? I'm sure this frantic scene is hilarious to watch.

Anyway, I just had to share. I'm sitting in our room while Charlie finishes the soup. At least the onion part of the recipe. What a good man.

our house is flipping us.

If “amiability during home improvement projects” is a measure of how we’re doing as a couple…well, sigh.

Charlie and I are embarking on a home-building adventure as we move into our new apartment, which has so far included undue amounts of stress and conflict regarding paint colors, taping techniques and the amount (or lack of ) care given to things like placement of objects in a loaded car. As the less conscientious half of this marriage, I wonder why certain things matter so much to him. He, I know, often wonders the reverse about me.

We both recognize that our differences are an asset. Truly. We mostly appreciate those things that make the other foreign, and how we complement each other. Except when we don’t. And it seems that lately, in the stress of moving and so much busyness, it is easy for us to have a less high-minded view of each other and fall straight into carnal, dog-eat-dog, you-will-like-my-Crepe-paint-color-or-suffer-the-consequences types of attitudes. It’s not pretty.

Listen, I was determined not to be this couple. I have watched far too many TLC house-flipping horror shows, the way once-loving couples are slowly reduced into haggard, animalistic individuals determined to have their own way. I knew better.

But I guess I am seeing that knowing better isn’t doing better. Apparently we are susceptible to the same struggles that seem like they would be so easily avoided on tv. Who knew.

But then there’s that moment. The softening of hearts. “I love you” breaks the silence. “I actually really like how this looks. You were right.” The humbling. The repentance. Maybe we can also measure our relationship by the frequency and sincerity of these moments. The muchness of Jesus in the midst of the meanness of self.

Now, back to work!

my retirement speech

Basically, I'm pretty much the most amazing person I know today. A total domestic goddess. Can I just brag to you for a second?

By God's grace I had the whole day off, which for Charlie and I means sleeping in past nine and eating breakfast after ten. I won't lie, this happens a lot. And it's awesome. Anyway, crepes for breakfast, and I was only a little bit mad that Charlie stayed in bed while I made them. This is amazing progress for me! We read the Bible - we are currently making our way through the book of Hebrews together and I am learning a lot. It's good for me to slow down and talk about what I'm reading. Very nice.

After lunch and some zombie tv show, Charlie headed off to work and I got busy. This really could have turned into a domestic disaster like the one I mentioned in an earlier post, but I think two things saved me this time: I stopped and rested, even took a nap this afternoon, when I was feeling myself getting tired. And maybe for this reason, I wasn't feeling like a slave this time. I actually felt totally joyful and privileged to be able to stay home all day and fart around the house. This, too, is progress!

I roasted butternut squash for a chowder I made, got dressed up real cute and brought stuffed tomatoes and veggies to Charlie at work for dinner, did buttloads (seriously) of dishes, and got the house looking really sweet for Joseph & Jarica to stay over tonight. All projects done! All missions accomplished! And here I sit with my feet up, savoring this rare and wonderful day and anticipating the arrival of a friend and her ice cream. Does it get better?

These days are rare, and I think that's why I have learned to appreciate them so much. I have often felt resentful of my (paying) job because my heart truly longs to be at home, making things lovely, making lovely things. And soon this will be my life!

Starting in October I'll be a stay-at-home.... wife! It seems too good to be true, and so of course sometimes I assume that it is. What am I missing?! God doesn't actually answer prayers, does He? I am honestly having a hard time believing this time has come. I think I am the luckiest lady in the world and at the same time am praying that there isn't some surprise sneak attack planned! Some day soon I will wake up and just...not have to go to work anymore. Wow. I don't have anything else to say right now, just wow.

calling it like it is!

I am currently using the Flip Bible Method of study. That means I flip open to whatever page I want and read until something catches my eye. I know this sounds less Christian than say, my disciplined husband's method of reading one book until he's done, but it's worked so well for me lately that I really have little motivation to change at this point.

So today I flipped open to Isaiah 59. I was captured right away:

"Surely the arm of the Lord is not too short to save, nor his ears too dull to hear.

But your iniquities have separated you from you God;

your sins have hidden his face from you,

so that he will not hear.

For your hands are stained with blood,

your fingers with guilt."

Don't mean to be a Debbie Downer on this one. The truth is that I was actually really encouraged by these verses, and here's why...

I have been suffering with my friends lately. In the midst of a season of relative peace and tranquility in my marriage, I have had lots of excess emotional energy, which I have been using to over-analyze the trials and troubles of my friends. Betcha they're excited! Now, whether they need or appreciate my help is up for debate, and I'm not even sure that it's actually intentional on my part. But at this point I am just telling you how it is.

On one hand, I have been praying with more passion and learning to love them in this way. Good. On the other hand, it has been making me crazy, and straining my relationship with God. Not so good.

I tend to blame God for everything. When I see people struggling and hurting my first question seems to be, "Why, God?!" I act as if He is the one who sins and causes problems in our lives. Oh, wait...

Credit where credit is due! We, for the most part, don't require outside help to cause trouble in our lives. In fact, doesn't it seem to come naturally? If I'm honest as I look at my marriage or anyone else's, I can easily trace the issues back to people and sin, not to God.

I need God. I need Him for comfort as I'm overwhelmed by struggles I don't understand and don't know how to counsel. I need Him for wisdom as I try to speak and even to pray. I need Him for understanding, to sort things out in my head and my heart. And the second I start blaming and accusing Him, I cut myself off from all of these things and start to get so confused. The truth is that my iniquities separate me from God, just as my friends' iniquities separate them from God. It's not God's fault.

Oh, the relief of calling this like it is, of rightly labeling what's good good and what's evil evil. There is a peace that came with knowing the truth that we sin and God is good in the midst. So simple! So easy!

A pastor once told me that the Christian life isn't complicated, it's just hard =)