you mean, i won't be the perfect parent?

According to thebump.com, this is our baby right now. Baby lemon, meet the world.

I always wondered if I'd be mature by the time I had a baby. Even in the months leading up to us getting pregnant, I would do blatantly stupid or sinful things and think, "Well, it's probably good I'm not pregnant yet. More time to work on that." And while I didn't actually believe I'd be perfect by the time we conceived, I did hope to have some of the major kinks worked out.

Now I'm pregnant. And just today I did another one of those things I keep struggling with and don't want to pass along to our progeny. But I've realized a couple of things during the past few months that miraculously kept me from calculating the irreparable damage my bad example would have done if our child was not still safely in the womb.

One, there actually are a lot of kinks that have been worked out. Usually I don't look at the positive side of things, so take note! As I look back a few years at what I struggled with in college or as Charlie and I started dating, there has actually been a lot of truth brought to light, sin repented of and forgiven, redemption achieved and progress made. There are a lot fewer things now than there were five years ago that I would be sad to gift to my children, and a lot more goodness and truth to pass along, thanks to God.

Two, not only will I never be perfect, that's actually not the point at all. The point is that God's grace has helped me learned how to repent more quickly and honestly. If my track record is any indication, I will keep sinning until the day I die. But do I defend it? Justify it and protect it? Do I go to God right away or let guilt keep me far off? These are the really important fields where our actual battles are won and lost. It's an inevitability that we will sin. But what comes next?

And this afternoon I am encouraged. I see in me a desire to agree with Jesus about what is good and what is evil, even when I'm the one who did wrong. And to see that in my children would make my heart smile! Jesus says, "Apart from me you can do nothing," and so if he helps me stay close to his side, I feel confident that I can trust him for all the rest of that parenting mumbo-jumbo.

=)