My life is good. I mean REALLY good. First, of course, the spiritual: what more could I hope for than to be saved and in relationship with a God who delights in me? Delights. In me. Then of course there are the oh-so-favorable circumstances of my life: my sweet and wonderful husband who loves and serves me, a little baby on the way and and an easy and mostly enjoyable pregnancy, a cute little apartment in the city, access to great food, faithful friends... I could really list forever.
So it's to my shame that I share this with you: all I want is more. No matter how much I have or how good it gets, my eyes are constantly and naturally drifting toward what I don't have or what I want more of. I know I'm not alone in this.
I always called this propensity of mine "discontentment." A benign, whiney-sounding word that I associate with small sighs and little unmet longings. Through Redemption Group I discovered an entirely new word to describe this that, while much harsher-sounding, more accurately reveals the state of my heart and has helped me begin conquering this sin: greed.
Yes, greed. As soon as I discovered this new word, I was able to see that my discontentment is actually an active, grasping, demanding sort of ugly displeasure that springs from a heart of ingratitude. Ouch. I know. I fought it at first too, but try it on for size. "Discontentment" allowed me to hide from dealing with this sin because it almost sounds like the word "discomfort" or "dislike"... more mild, less concerning. For some reason the concept of greed raised more alarm for me as a character trait and caused me to take more responsibility. My demands so often overtake my vision of all the goodness of God in my life. It has helped me hate the sin more, to my benefit.
The solution, my R.G. book says, is not simply forcing myself to be thankful for what I've got. Thank goodness - who can do that? It's not a simple matter of will-power. It starts with prayer, always with prayer, asking for vision of what we have instead of only what we don't. The goal is gratitude, the way is Jesus.
And as I write I am struggling! Greed springs up at a simple glance around the room. Oh, you ugly furniture. Someday we will replace you. Why do I have to look at that stupid corner market all the time? They should replace the roof. Our house is messy!
I'm thinking of Psalm 23: "Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." Goodness and mercy follow me, and will always follow me, forever! Praise be to God. Oh, for eyes to see it!
2 comments:
Really love this Lacey. Very helpful as I get too caught up in the "I just need this" or "this room would look so much more cozy with a that". Thank you for sharing. Wouldn't things be so much simpler for us if we could always remember to begin with prayer, instead of falling back on it?! Praise Jesus, I'm getting quicker though. :)
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