You know, Charlie and I both wanted a baby so bad. And simultaneously I dreaded Judah's arrival. I worried about how our marriage would change, how having a baby would interfere with my friendship and time with Charlie. So before Judah was even born I was strategizing about how to make his arrival as un-transformative as possible. How to get things back to normal quickly. How to have a baby while continuing to live as if we didn't.
Wait, what?
I know, it didn't really intellectually make sense to me either in those months leading up to his birth. Why would we want a baby if we weren't actually excited about the change? I don't know. But so many solemn, gloomy warnings that "things will never be the same again" made me determined to beat the odds. Yes, it was as confusing as it sounded.
So when the little guy was born I worked hard to keep him at arms' length and did all I could to prevent from squirming his way into our marriage. In my heart I wasn't warm and inviting, I was fearful. And anyone who's had a newborn knows how futile my attempts were. Judah's an intractable part of our family, and I'm growing more and more grateful for this.
And as the months have passed, I've really grown fond of the little guy. At the beginning I couldn't wait to transition him out of our bedroom. And now, while I will say it's really nice to be able to talk above a whisper while we're getting ready to sleep, I'm sitting here on the couch with our little man cradled in one arm, staring obsessively at his tiny features, touching his soft baby feet, and feeling really grateful to have an extra hour or two holding him tonight before he gets tucked away in his crib.
A few nights ago I asked Charlie, "Well, he's so far away when he sleeps, do you think maybe he should come sleep in here with us?" It's funny that I'm having soft feelings toward Judah now, five months in, that I thought I would have had within the first few hours of meeting him. But better late than never! You know, as my fear has decreased there has been more room in my heart for love to grow. Or maybe it's the other way around.
"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear" (1 John 4:18).
Let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave. ...Martin Luther
1 comment:
Lacey--
I've so loved reading your blog last year that I was so disappointed when seven months passed without a post. However, I had no idea what you were walking through. Hearing about your struggles and joys brought tears to my eyes and understanding to my heart. Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for speaking openly about your imperfections as a mother so that Jesus can be the perfection and glory in your life.
I walked through similar struggles with the changes that a baby brings to life, and walked with so much shame about my frustrations. Yet when I hear you my first thought is that you're not an unloving or unfit mother. Simply, Jesus loves you so much that he's challenging and changing your heart. And the sweet thing I see, is that you'll get to pass these experiences and wisdom onto other mothers who will walk through this often-experienced but seldom-mentioned struggle. Thank you, Lacey
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